I Think of Them

Today is Christmas. It is, in many ways, our first Christmas. We stayed home this year. Happy to miss the holiday travel. Sad to miss time with my family. We got our first tree. We call it the "little runt" tree. It's tiny and so imperfect. We decorated it with all silver and "crystal." Mr. Ji calls it my bling tree because of the fake diamonds hanging from it. It is mis-shapen. The little tree that no one else, surely, would have wanted. It's perfect really.

Embracing Christmas, wholly, for the first time has made me very happy. I've enjoyed being a part of the season. Listening to the Temptations singing carols has been delightful. Wrapping gifts in shiny silver and gold paper has been a joy. After rejecting Christmas for many years now because I am not Christian; I have recalled why Christmas is one of my fondest childhood memories.

None of this joy, though, would be within me were it not for my 2.5 year old twins. They are the reason for the joy. Their pureness has filled me with emotions that I still am unable to define. My daughters squeals of delight as she opens a gift are transforming. My sons serious play with his trucks is something to behold.

This holiday, I am beyond blessed because of my children and my husband. But I remember in an instant how it felt to not have children - and to want them desperately. The alone-ness, the emptiness, the sadness. The wondering, doubting, the losing of hope. It's all right there. Just under this surface of joy. It became a part of me. It is part of my her-story. It has irreversibly changed me. I don't want to ever forget it either. Perhaps, remembering helps me to appreciate my children even more. Maybe, maybe not.

One thing is for sure though. Today on Christmas, I think of them. I think of those who still exist in that world of emptiness and longing. I think of those who are in pain today and I pray that you don't give up hope. Don't ever give up hope.

I like cheese

I've discovered some interesting facts about myself in the past couple of years. One of which, is that I like cheese. I mean, I've always loved mac and cheese and melted cheese on the occasional burger but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about getting serious enjoyment out of the taste of cheese. Surprisingly, this new found pleasure in cheese has helped to hone my mindfulness.

Time alone, truly with, and within myself, is hard to come by nowadays. But the other day during lunch, I was able to be within. Fully. Perfect cup of English breakfast tea - which means with a splash of half and half and just enough honey. Hot, piping, Italian sesame baguette fresh from the oven. Tiny saucer of olive oil sprinkled with a little course sea salt. Five morsels of gorgonzola and a small triangle of Parmigiano. Oh the flavors and the textures! It was a party in my mouth and on my tongue. Each taste was exquisite.

And with each bite, the sun shone brighter through my window. The quiet was even more soothing. Surrounded by the mess that is my kitchen, appreciation had grown.

Appreciation. Gratitude. Mindfulness. It's all inter-connected. We are all so inter-connected. There is no beginning and no ending. We are the beginning and the ending. I am. you are. He is. She is. It is.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool. THE most powerful tool. Usually things or people with power can be corrupted easily. Not so with mindfulness.

May our collective mindfulness enjoy some cheese.